IT HITS YOU LIKE A LIGHTNING BOLT: SUDDEN DIVORCE

This is the second article dealing with the issue of divorce in our short series on this subject. The titles of the other two are: CLEAR INDICATIONS THAT YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE and THERE IS LIFE AFTER A DIVORCE.

I was told by a friend of mine about his encounter with sudden and unexpected divorce, which he stated he remembered vividly as if it only happened a couple of days ago.  It involved his youngest son which probably explains the reason why it is etched so deeply in his recall, why he will never erase the experience nor the profound emotions that accompanied the incident.

He related that he was phoned at 6’o clock in the morning by his son, not the usual time to receive a call from his youngest offspring.  The moment he said “hello dad” my friend sensed that there was something seriously wrong. Without waiting for my friend to reply the son continued to inform him in a voice that betrayed anger, disappointment, stress, and heartache all at the same time, that his wife told him, that morning, that she wanted a divorce. The family certainly did not see it coming and judging from the son’s account neither did he.  They were high school sweethearts, have been together for nine years, and married for the last two years of the relationship.  In the first article of this series, I dealt with the tell-tale signs of an impending divorce.  According to my friend they were entirely absent in this case.  On the contrary, the wife showered the son with surprise gifts and repeatedly declared her appreciation for him on social media, visible for all to see.

It seems only natural that the vexing question as to why such a sudden announcement of the end of a marriage occurs in the first place when one is confronted with the opportunity to share your thoughts on the issue of the ending of a relationship.  How does it happen that partners involved in a long-term relationship are caught off-guard when divorce becomes inevitable?  In his regular blog on family law Chip Hues, in an article co-written by psychotherapist Donna Ferber states that 25% of men and 14% of women experience this surprise when they hear of the plans of their partner to bring the union to an end. He calls this phenomenon “Sudden Divorce Syndrome”.

Reason for Surprise Decisions to Institute Divorce Proceedings

The importance of communication between the partners in a loving relationship has often been emphasized.  When one of the parties to a long-term union decides to sabotage this aspect of the union it usually indicates a period of contemplation of the value of the marriage and the different aspects of bringing it to an end. I have no doubt that this also causes considerable discomfort, anxiety, and pain for the partner taking the decision to end the liaison.  My views on this are the following:

1. There may be a reason for the party who wants out, to break the communication lines, keeping the other partner in the dark. The most obvious example is where the first-mentioned person has been carrying on with a secret affair with a third person.All illicit romances start off as a secret, even to the point where it is never the intention to disclose its existence to any other person.This may change over time but in many instances, it remains a confidential activity between the participating parties thereto.It is only at the time when it suits the party who intends to end the marriage that the information is shared with the unsuspecting and surprised partner, that the information becomes public knowledge.
2. The party who suffers shock and surprise by the disclosure of an intended divorce may sometimes just be blind to the reality of the breakdown of the marriage. The signs of trouble in the union may be clear and unambiguous but the one party may elect to ignore it, even deny it. In the face of mounting evidence of the dangers confronting the relationship, such a person would rather replace his or her own observations in favor of an “all is well” attitude.
3. Despite the surprise suffered by the one party to a divorce, the ending of the marriage may have been coming over a long period of time. Attempts by the party pursuing the divorce to deal with the warning signs may have developed to the certain conclusion that separation is the only answer. Attempts to discuss the unavoidable challenges of living together, to deal with communication breakdowns, to avoid violent, unproductive arguments or to deal with differences in the upbringing of children may all bring the life of the one party to a breaking point.The realization that the said party has had enough.The possibilities for reaching this conclusion are endless.In these cases, the surprised party may well be the author of his or her own unavoidable fate.

Subsequent to the announcement of a divorce both parties go through a range of physical, emotional, spiritual and mental processes. Pain, confusion, uncertainty and a loss of self-respect are just some of the trials that may cross the path of the partners. Some need to talk about it.  Review the situation endlessly.  Others may sink down in silent contemplation of the misfortunes of the situation.            

Worldwide statistics indicate that approximately 50% of all marriages will end in divorce.  In another article on this website, we deal with the question as to whether the institution of marriage as we have known it for centuries, is in danger of disappearing entirely. See MARRIAGE UNDER DEATHLY THREAT. There is no simple answer to this problem. We are seeing a complete social adjustment to the way people arrange their relationships and the lasting effect of the connection between loving partners. The element of surprise will be present when marriages come to an end.  Even if the institution of marriage, the contractual bond between loving couples, is changed by society into something less formal, the factor of bewilderment and disappointment will remain as a reality that must be processed when a change in the relationship becomes a reality. Like vehicle accidents and illnesses surprise divorces can happen to anybody.

Reference: https://www.ontariofamilylawblog.com/2010/08/articles/divorce/sudden-divorce-syndrome-reality-or-myth/